Those Things I Love

(I was going to post this on my official blog, but after reading it, this more intimate forum seems better suited. Forgive my anger, depression, and confusion, if you can.)

I can’t be the only person waging a minute to minute war with my internal dialogue over how much of a failure I am for not having steady, full time employment, a college degree, and friends to hang out with on Saturday afternoons, talking shop with brewskis in hand. I know I’m not the only person who swings between depression and self-hatred over my weight. And I am pretty certain that I’m not the only one agonizing over my inability to make any sort of money off of my meager skillset by working from home.

I have a wife and two kids. A family that should be looking up to me to provide enough money to live comfortably, not watching my implode as bills pile up, bank accounts dwindle, and government assistance trickles in despite my personal views (we couldn’t eat if it didn’t). let’s face it, I’m at rock bottom. And I feel as though I’m trying to dig out with a spoon. I’ve widened my job search to not just the other side of my state, but surrounding states as well. We have to move from where we are anyway, so what’s the difference between 50 miles and 500?

But my mind keeps going places that nobody wants it to go. It is actually scaring me now. And I have little idea what to do about it but just shut it down the second it starts up. It’s a frightening situation, and I feel like I’m balancing on a tightwire. So what does a guy do in this situation? I’m completely lost, guys.